The Advice from My Father That Saved Me during my time as a New Dad

"I think I was just in survival mode for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of becoming a dad.

However the actual experience quickly became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her main carer in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The direct words "You aren't in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a larger failure to open up amongst men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to ask for a pause - going on a couple of days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions alongside the practical tasks of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible choices" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your other half or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that made you feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help isn't failing - prioritising yourself is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their struggles, changed how they talk, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I think my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are on this path."