Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
